


The Intro to That One Prince Song

by EtchCantrellorLightningHeterodyne



Category: The Order of the Stick
Genre: Cute, Fluffy, Girard is a Snarky Bisexual Kleptomaniac Disaster, Multi, Paladin Training Horror Stories, Post canon, Sapphire Guard (mentioned), Soon tied his soul to a Gate and that is metal, They're all dead and happy, everyone actually went through the five stages of grief for Kraagor while they were alive, we know too little about them for this to be OOC
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-28
Updated: 2019-01-28
Packaged: 2019-10-18 10:55:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17579531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EtchCantrellorLightningHeterodyne/pseuds/EtchCantrellorLightningHeterodyne
Summary: I didn't edit this. Fluffy tale of the remaining five brain cells of the Order of the Scribble, reunited in the afterlife.





	The Intro to That One Prince Song

Girard Draketooth was many things, and those things tended to change when he needed them to or when he was meeting someone he didn’t trust (read: when he was meeting someone) or really whenever he just wanted to fuck with his cousins.

One of the things he was, as of right now, was dead.

Old age. Suck it, Soon.

The illusionist arrived in the afterlife and subsequently flopped into a lounge chair that appeared out of thin air, along with a bottle of whiskey that wouldn’t give him a hangover.

Finally. All those years, setting traps and raising the Draketooth clan and protecting the Gate and keeping contact through  _ letters _ with his friends, and he could at long  _ fucking _ last have some peace.

At least, until the paladin got here, and then he would have a lot of fun kicking Soon’s ass before said ass hauled itself up the Lawful Good mountain afterlife  _ thing _ .

It was about sixty years later than it should have been by  _ any _ means when Girard was sitting in his lounge chair, sunglasses on, some umbrella drink or other than was so sweet it would probably have given Serini a heart attack if she’d tried it in his hand.

Serini. She was probably still cavorting around- Girard had never taken her for the type to give up easily.

Lirian was  _ defiently _ still alive, and Dorukan… Girard would buy that the git had found a way to lengthen his life. Especially if it meant spending more time with Lirian.

But Soon?

No fucking way. The guy could find the Fountain of Youth and he’d go passing out waterskins filled at it to the sick children or something.

That was suspicious on it’s own, but then Girard is lifting his sunglasses, blinking at the  _ explosion _ that ended in one very disoriented paladin standing on clouds.

He probably looks like one of those beach cliches, but the situation warrants it.

“ _ Soon _ !? What the fuck, dude, I wait here for sixty eight years to kick your ass and you take at  _ most _ forty years longer to get here than you should have!”

“Well I’m  _ sorry _ that I tied my soul to my Gate so that I could  _ protect  _ it like an  _ honorable _ person.”

It was almost depressing, how easily they snapped back into their old routines. Soon usually wouldn’t respond like that, but Girard figured the whole death thing probably did a number on him.

Then the actual meaning of Soon’s words sank in.

“...you… tied your  _ soul _ … to your  _ Gate _ .”

“I just said that, Girard.”

“The Gate that, if you got too close to it when it broke- which I assume it did and that’s why you’re here- would literally consume your soul.”

“Yes?”

“Okay, I hate you, but that’s metal.”

Soon blinked, and Girard was reminded of the time Dorukan rolled a Nat 1 and turned Serini into a puppy and Soon into a gecko (as if the kitten incident wasn’t bad enough).

“...metal.”

“Please tell me you’re not  _ that _ out of touch with slang.”

“I’m not. Just processing the fact that words came out of your mouth and they almost sounded like a compliment.”

“Hey, at least you’re decent enough to risk falling to the same fate as Kraagor.”

Both of them go silent at that.

Girard almost doesn’t hate him now. Almost. But he’s long past the day Kraagor would have died and the dwarf isn’t here- won’t  _ ever _ be here.

Serini will arrive soon, though, and Girard can ask her how Kraagor’s Tomb turned out. He’d lost contact with even her a few decades prior to his death- kids were a hassle, even when he was grey-haired, they weren’t his, and there was a ban on anyone calling him ‘grandpa’.

So, they called him grandfather, stole his stuff, pestered him for stories and magic lessons, and generally gave him renewed appreciation for his mother and the exasparated pride she’d always shown him.

“I heard you had kids,” Soon says, and Girard notices the change of topic but for once he doesn’t comment on it.

“Yes. Three of them. And then there were my many cousins, and  _ their _ kids, and the  _ grandchildren _ \- children are assholes, by the way, and at least in my case they knew it.”

“Did you just call a Draketooth family reunion and tell them to help you protect the Gate?”

“Can’t trust anyone but family.”

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

“You’re being unusually non-uptight.”

“I’m dead and I’ve known you for years, I get to drop the formalities.”

“You know you’re literally the only person in the party who kept the no contact oath, right?”

Soon purses his lips, and Girard, out of the goodness of his nonexistent fucking heart (because he’d die before he admitted he had feelings (he didn’t. Kids did that to you), but he’d throw himself into the  _ Snarl _ before he admitted he had feelings to  _ Soon _ ) summoned another lounge chair.

The paladin slumped into it, exhaled, and his plate armor vanished.

“I assumed that Dorukan and Lirian would break it, and in hindsight I really should have thought that you and Serini would keep in contact.”

“I mean, that’s all true, but we literally had like… it was only once, but Serini had a Party Reunion. It lasted an hour, but we all met up in person and sat in a circle and talked about what we’d been doing. And  _ then _ we all really started keeping in contact. Dorukan and Lirian and Serini and I. We all wrote letters and sent care packages and everything. Lirian can say some  _ scathing _ things when she wants too.”

Soon was silent, and probably clenching his teeth.

“Nobody wrote to you for a few different reasons. I figured you’d crack and write to us first, or maybe come marching up to our Gates with an army because ‘greater good’ or some other bullshit paladin thing, and Serini said she didn’t want to make you uncomfortable by I guess forcing you to break your oath? Honestly, if I didn’t think you’d respond by coming over and seizing my Gate I would have done that just to piss you off- and Lirian thought you’d actually keep the oath and she decided to respect that, and since she’s an elf and is terrible at keeping track of time I think she was worried she’d write to you one day and you’d be dead, and Dorukan has just been a hermit all his life and it got even  _ worse _ after Serini’s compromise- I didn’t even know that was  _ possible _ \- and he was already married to Lirian at that point and had invested all of his minute amount of emotional energy into that relationship anyway.”

Soon still didn’t say anything, and Girard had probably crossed a line but he didn’t  _ care _ . Kraagor didn’t fucking  _ exist _ anymore- Soon could deal.

“Anyway. How  _ have _ you been, I started a family and lied through my teeth to you- Serini had the real coordinates, don’t worry- what did you do with your life?”

“I founded and led the Sapphire Guard. I died, and stayed to protect my Gate. And my Gate was destroyed, so now I am here.”

Oh, Soon was  _ definetly  _ gritting his teeth.

“Sounds lovely, Soon. Anyway. I only waited around to kick your ass and say hi to Serini, and since she won’t be much longer now I’d recommed that you run along to your Lawful Good mountain and get fast tracked in for saving existence or something.”

And now he was gritting his teeth and  _ glaring _ at Girard. The illusionist hadn’t gotten this much of a rise out of him since the day they almost killed each other- the day they split the Gates between them and the day Serini came up with the compromise.

The day after it all went to shit.

Girard didn’t care. He  _ didn’t _ .

But Dorukan was late.

The redhead wasn’t quite sure where the thought came from, but it came.

Dorukan should be here. Had he done the same thing Soon did? Had he-

A seething Soon and smug Girard turned to the other, slightly larger explosion, where Serini now stood, flanked by Lirian and Dorukan.

All three of them were blinking like they weren’t sure who they were.

“What the  _ fuck _ !?” Lirian shouted, and the druid actually  _ swearing _ almost gave Girard a heart attack. 

Soon appeared to be in a similar state.

They were all, of course, dead, so they all looked as young and hot as they did in their adventuring days- Soon was buff, Girard was wiry but muscled, Dorukan actually looked mildy tanned, Lirian was freakin  _ glowing _ (stupid naturey druidy bullshitness) and Serini was a wild mass of curly hair and lithe muscles.

“What the actual  _ fuck _ !? My refuge gets overtaken by  _ goblins _ and a  _ lich _ , and my soul gets  _ locked in a fucking rock by said lich _ , and then Serini breaks it an we’re all in Kraagors Tomb and then we’re  _ dead _ .”

Dorukan has a hand on Lirian’s shoulder- the druid will drive herself insane at this rate- and kind of leans on her for support at the same time.

“It’s okay, it’s okay. We- we got locked in that gem by Xykon, sure, but now- we’re free. And both of our Gates were destroyed, so at least they weren’t used for evil?”

Girard can process the fact that existence is fucked another time. Right now, they’re  _ all _ here, and they’re  _ okay _ .

He hugs Lirian and Dorukan, one arm around each of them, and then he pretty much picks up Serini.

She’s laughing, and so is he- it’s nice to see her again.

Soon is openmouthed and probably having a metaphysical stroke, and just because he’s an asshole sometimes Girard hugs him too, and since Soon  _ is _ handsome, Girard is bisexual, a paranoid klemptomaniac who shows emotion through weird niche turn around things that are easily mistaken for snark, and a disaster, the illusionist presses a kiss to his cheek as he pulls away.

Lirian and Dorukan are freaking out together and Serini is ‘helping’ so they’re all sufficiently distracted.

“What- did you just  _ kiss me _ ?”

“Yes,” Girard says. “Because no one will ever believe you.”

Soon blinks.

“We’re talking about this later,” he says, because Serini is calm-ish now and Dorukan’s shock has worn off.

Eventually, five out of six members of the Order of the Scribble are together again, in a somewhat calm state of mind.

They’re all sitting in a circle on the clouds. Girard is between Lirian and Serini, and Soon is across from him, between Serini and Dorukan.

It’s been so long.

“I wish Kraagor was here,” Serini whispers.

“Yeah,” Girard says. “We’re missing our sixth collective brain cell.”

Lirian snickers at that, and Dorukan actually cracks a smile.

“We never were the smartest bunch, were we?” the wizard comments.

“If we’d had any more than six collective brain cells we’d never have been stupid enough to go around the world defending existence,” Lirian says.

Serini laughs. It’s been a long time since Girard has heard her do that.

“Or stupid enough to hire people you had to pay,” Dorukan adds.

“Or stupid enough to tie your soul to your Gate so you could defend it until it’s destruction even though that may have led to the total unraveling of your soul,” Girard says, pointendly glaring at Soon.

The paladin meets him with an even stare, and to his credit manages to respond with a straight face.

“Or stupid enough to have three kids.”

Lirian and Dorukan glance at him, and Girard throws his hands up.

“Okay, honestly? You got me there. Children are an actual fucking nightmare. None of you asshats will ever know the true woes of parenting.”

“No, but I’ll know the woes of training paladins, and let me tell you, it’s pretty much the same thing. You’d think they’d be decent at self preservation, but I’ve lost  _ count _ of how many times I’ve had to point out that if you’re  _ dead _ , you can’t smite evil anymore! To which they respond, ‘then I’ll be a ghost!’ and eventually you’re pouring soup and healing potions down their throats because they can’t  _ take care of themselves _ !”

“...that’s… painfully close to parenting,” Girard responds. 

“And they were how old?” Serini asks.

“Early twenties at least.”

“Wow.”

“You guys ever tried dealing with employee complaints?” Dorukan asks.

“Have you ever gotten between two fist fighting twins?” Girard answers.

“Or two dumbasses dueling each other because they slighted the honor of the boyfriend who’d been sleeping with both of them without the other’s knowledge for a year?” Soon adds.

“That’s oddly specific, tell me everything,” Serini says.

“Oh- gods, do I have to? It was horrible. They decided to fight to the death when they found out the boyfriend was cheating on them, because they each thought the other had forced themselves on him- they didn’t, and I’ve gotten  _ that _ verified- I don’t even know how many times, and that they’d threatened boyfriend with death if he told the other person, and I had to get someone to cast Zone of Truth. Boyfriend got dumped with an absolutely destroyed reputation and I could never put them together on an assignment again.”

Lirian gave a low whistle. Serini let out a quiet ‘yikes’.

“I feel like we should do something stupid but nostalgic to celebrate our years as a party,” Serini commented.

Girard, without missing a beat, let an empty glass blottle thump onto the clouds between them.

“No. No. Absoluety  _ not _ ,” Dorukan says.

“Oh come on, I _know_ you want a piece of me,” Girard says.  
“Was this you? This was you,” Lirian says.

“Sure.”

Everyone simultaneously turns to Soon, who is looking the smugest Girard has ever seen him. Serini breaks the silence first.

“I’m down,” she says.

“This is the worst idea you’ve  _ ever _ had! And I  _ do _ remember the time you rushed the dragon!”

“I mean… we can do cheeks, right?” Lirian asks.

“You can do  _ anything _ ,” Girard replies, with the sauciest eyebrow wiggle he can muster.

“In that case, sure.”

Dorukan looks helplessly around the circle.

“We’re  _ married _ !”

“So you’ll be the only one I kiss on the lips,” Lirian responds.

“If anyone besides Lirian lands on me, you’d  _ better _ give me a makeout to remember,” Girard says, and Dorukan blanches.

The last time they were all together, it was the day after Kraagor died.

But that was then. And this is now.

Lirian spins the bottle, and lands on Serini, and the little peck on the cheek the halfling gets is almost as cute as she is. Serini spins and lands on Girard- and the two of them  _ might  _ have overdone it, but Dorukan is white as a sheet so, worth it. Girard spins, and of all people, he lands on Soon.

“Payback,” the paladin says, and Soon  _ is _ a man of his word. And a…  _ very _ good kisser.

Soon lands on Dorukan. Serini and Girard are laughing so hard there are tears in their eyes. The wizard lunges and pulls back almost too quickly for it to have happened.

They wind down, eventually. Everyone is finally relaxed- in many cases, for the first time Girard has ever seen them as such.

Soon doesn’t feel like a coiled spring. Dorukan has let loose. Lirian is making scalding remarks peppered with ‘love you’s, and Serini is turning everything into an innuendo while Girard lets his guard down.

Serini is leaning on a lump of clouds, and so is Soon. Lirian and Dorukan are lying down next to each other. Dorukan’s head is on Lirian’s shoulder, and Serini’s feet are on the elf’s stomach. The wizard is snoozing and flipping through his spellbook- Serini and Lirian are making jokes at everyones expense.

Soon has stretched his legs in front of him, and is leaning on a cloud lump, half-dozing while he watches the party, just the way he always had.

It had never occured to Girard to think of Soon as something of a guardian, but in a lot of ways he was.

And while he was on his new fuck it streak, he really might as well.

Girard flops onto the clouds, and he drops his head into Soon’s lap, lacing his fingers together over his stomach.

The paladin reaches down, and starts carding his fingers through Girard’s hair.

It’s nice. It’s really, really nice.

Dorukan’s feet wind up propped on Girard’s shins, his head on Lirian’s shoulder and her arm tossed over Serini’s feet, where they’re propped on the druid’s stomach. Girard’s head is in Soon’s lap, and Serini is lying on the other side of his legs.

Lirian is talking about plants. Dorukan is flipping through his spellbook. Serini is chatting with Lirian about flowers, as Soon half snoozes, half watches, and conciously or not cards his fingers through Girard’s hair, while the illusionist dozes off with his head in the paladin’s lap.

It’s nice.

They’re all together, and they’ve all healed, and it’s really fucking nice.


End file.
